I WANT TO DIE

How precious love and beauty can be
Sweet, delicious beauty
Innocence so pure, so wholesome
So righteous
Yet in an instant
It is taken away
Leaving behind a world of darkness
And sorrow
Grief will never bring her back
And love never existed for her
So how can an angel
So pure, so lovely
Become the very monster
That takes her own life?

She loved him
There was no doubt about how she felt
She followed him
She tailed after him
She smiled at him
She smiled with him
She longed to make him laugh
She longed to be in his light
She longed to be in his life
She longed to be his wife
Love, so sweet, so innocent
It took her from the world
And it took her from him

She loved him
She lived for him
She was willing to do anything
And everything
To be with him
Yet she hated him
She loathed him
She despised him
And most of all
She hated herself
She hated what she had done
She hated what she had become
But she could never go back
Never, never again
Could she be what she was

She saw it all
She saw everything
She saw him
She saw her love
She saw the one she lived for
She saw the angel of her eye
In the arms of another
Another who made him smile
Another who made him laugh
Another who made him love
Another who wasn't her
Another who was everything she wanted to be
And nothing she could ever be

He took the other into his arms
He placed a ring on their finger
And a kiss on their lips
And in her eyes
Were silver tears,
Full of hate
Full of regret
Full of sorrow
Full of fear
Full of anger
And full of love
She knew that her dream was shattered
She knew she could never be what the other was
In his eyes, she never existed
In his eyes, she was no one
In his eyes, she never could be

She lost faith in love
She lost faith in life
She hated the life that she lived
She grew tired of it
He was far away now
He would never come back
He belonged to someone else
He loved someone else
Days passed
Long, agonizing days of pain and grief
Pain and grief
For the one that had gone away
She loved him
He loved another
So she wished to die

She created hate
She started to hate him
She started to hate the other
She started to hate herself
She hated herself
For she fell in love
She hated herself
Because she loved him
She created fear
Fear of herself
Fear of life
She created knowledge
And she knew
Living is just a slow way to die
She created disbelief
And she did not believe
In love or life any longer
She created joy
Yet this joy was a dark joy
The joy of loneliness
The joy of emptiness
A mask to hide the agony
A mask she wore day to day
And night after night
The mask disappeared
And she spent every minute awake
Consumed by the disease of pain
Which would disappear by morning
And no one would be able to see
The emptiness and pain that lingered
In those dark, lonely eyes of hers

She sought for an escape
She sought for freedom
She sought for salvation
She sought for numbness
She sought for breathless
She sought for death
She found death to be the only way
And with relief, she looked forward to letting go of the pain
She looked forward to letting go of the sorrow
Of the grief
Of him
With a breath, she at last found peace
She found peace in lying there
Without a concern
Without a tear
Without a fear
Without hate
Without anger
Without sorrow
Without grief
Without love
He owned her heart now
For life without him was filled with torture
Tormenting pain consumed her
And it was so strong, she could not escape
Just to think of him, talk to him, talk about him, dream of him
Brought tears to her eyes
And hate and pain to her heart
She could not imagine happiness
Without his beautiful smile
Without his angelic face
Without his presence in her life
She was nothing but a hallow shell
He was everything
She was nothing
So she knew what she had to do
And with one final breath, with one finger
The trigger was pulled,
And her red love painted the walls
While her tears painted her face
Her cold face,
Frozen forever
In the death of love
She wanted to die
But truth was
She was already dead

When he finally found her
Perhaps it was seconds
Perhaps it was minutes
Perhaps it was hours
Perhaps it was days
Perhaps it was weeks
Perhaps it was months
Perhaps it was years
He found her still
Her essence painting the walls and floor
Her sorrow on her face and hands
And beside her frozen, cold body
Laid the weapon that took her
Laid the hand that helped
And beside that hand,
Laid a yellow note
Of which it said
"Sorry for the mess
But I love you still
In the afterlife ♥"